The Bachelor...I am so embarrassed to be female.

My Lord. Where did they find these bitches? The Nymphomaniac Wing at Belview? Stripper Convention? Catholic School?
They all had the 'Crazy Eyes'. You know, the CRAZY EYES. If you don't know please immediatly netflix How I Met Your Mother. Infact, even if you do know, rent it...cause you are missing out bitches. It's Legen (wait for it) dary. Anyhoo, these women. Wow. Do they set back the women's movement or what? Mall Hair extentions and Forever 21 formals not withstanding, who thinks the best thing to do on a first date is put ones legs behind ones head? Or hyperventilate over the 'hotness' of the man? Obviously these are not Rules Girls. Unless the Rules involve shooters and innapropriate nakedness. Any early bets on which one has crabs?
Poor Brad looked a little frightened.

Some favorite opening quotes from the ladies:
"My mother died when I was twelve"
"You stick your tongue out and I'll give you a reading"
"I broke my nose on a bowling ball."
"I walked around for about 2 hours without a boob."
"I feel bad for you"
"I have some WEBBED toes right here...both feet."

Oh. Why must they sing?

Meanwhile, the party inside had quickly disintegrated into episode 10 of Rock of Love. Klassy.
And really, can you call it a party until someone has lost a chicken cutlet? (aka boob insert?)
D-RUNK.
Mallory the ten foot tall blonde Nanny took off her clothes and hopped in the pool. My Dad turned to my Mum and said "she's a Nanny? Who the Eff lets her watch their kids. Hon, would you let her be our Nanny?'" My Mum actually went back to 1994 and busted out with "Hell to the No!" Dad says "yup, Nanny is total code for stripper." My parents are bad ass.
How jealous can you get over a dude you just met? I think they are all crazy due to the not eating and the bad boob jobs. But that's just me.
It just got worse and worse...I can't WAIT till next time. Some one gets Showgirled down the spiral staircase. Awesome.

Brad will find his wife amongst these Rhodes Scholars, and social elite.

SWEEET GUY.

Sigh Mistrial in the Spector Trial. Sheesh. Seriously.... make a deal. Let the evil muppet keep his wigs and lock him up. Dude is evil. So there.

Branching out...and 24 reasons to call a cab.

First of all...snarkiness has it's benefits! This little kitten has been invited to sharpen her claws on http://www.tonightwemakesoap.com/ check it out. Some funny peeps over there, check it out! I've just posted my first blog over there...nervy doing it on someone else's site. But what the heck!

So, I am sure we have all heard that Keifer Sutherland was busted again for DUI. Proving that three is NOT the magic number. This is good ol bust number 4. Ummm, Keif? I love ya. I still have teenage Lost Boys lust in my heart for you. But, dude. You're a millionare. Party like one, but call a damn cab! Hire a driver. You're like 40. At least Lindz is young and dumb. You're just dumb.

Cat Solidarity.

I am all about Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan for DWTS. Girl rocked it last night, I know they didn't love the hip hop you all must admit that girl can shake her groove thing and cha cha so well Disney was blusing in his grave. Love her. Love the girly curves. Not a teenage praying mantis. Hallelujiah.

Best part of the evening: When Jennie Garth (who has some sort of old/young thing happening...) got busted playing with her bracelets while they were interviewing Dorian Grey, I mean Jane Seymore.

Runner up: When Josie Maran's partner said "For a Super Model, Josie is deceptively unfit."

I laughed like I was high on the Nip. Ah...good times. And the seething hatred seeping from the hi def tv from her partner by the end of the show was palpable. Dude knows he's going home.

There never was a tale so full of Woe than this of Emmy and her lame telecast.

Mum’s favorite person of the week: those sweet teenage guys that let her ride in the front car of Space Mountain over and over on her birthday. (hence the late recap. She left me to go to Disneyland and then spent tuesday lounging recovering. lame.)

Mum’s least favorite person of the week: Kate Walsh’s Stylist. It takes a lot to make that glamazon look bad. I mean she is freaking perfection, I have a girl crush she’s so fracking hot. But whoever dressed her…thanks. Her Earth Girls Are Easy hairstyle made my litter head feel blow-out fab.
Poor Kitten has to keep her shoulders up by her ears to keep this satin sheet number (pamela dennis...for shame!) from falling right off.

What on God’s green earth was this show? In the immortal words of the ‘stayed-too-long-at-the-party-and wrote-the-third-season-drunk’ Shonda Rhimes “Seriously?”

I love the Emmy’s. I love to snark on the pretty people. Cause it’s the best kind of snark. Harmless snark. We can all have a good laugh that the skinny, rich successful bitches wore something ugly and no harm, no foul. No one’s children are in danger, no one is crashing their car into a wall…everyone is just dressed up and ready to celebrate themselves. And that’s a good time in Minkyville.

First off Ryan Seacrest. He’s as boring as a three dollar bill, or is it as gay as a three dollar bill?? Whatever a three dollar bill is…Seacrest is. I just don’t get it, I don’t understand it…I see that he works hard. But he’s not even a good host!! Poor fantubulously amazing Ellen with her non skeletal Princess Portia, just sitting there. You could see the jokes racing across her eyes. You could see her dying a little inside every time the show sunk deeper and deeper in the recesses of hell.

I love the Family Guy…those are my kinda people. Stewie and Brian are indeed my guys. But how classless was the cutaway to T.R. Knight in the song when they reference Isaiah Washington? T.R. is class. Through and through. He kept his cool but he must just be tired as all hell of that. And Emmy should have been above that. Be careful Emmy; you’re loosing points and the show isn’t even three minutes old. The only good part of that opening was the black out on the Sopranos. I’m still pissed.

Thankfully Ray Romano showed up to save us from Seacrest. (Seacrest out…please God?) And we had our first FOX censorship silencing. Gah. Yeah…we get it. Conservative FOX wants to do the first GREEN save-the-planet- Emmy. What. Ev.
I would truly love to see Ray Romano on DWTS though. I still can’t figure out why the thank you speeches must be so short but we have tons of time for stand up comedy by Romano and random musical numbers.

Theatre in the round is a tough art form, it can be incredibly powerful…not so much with an award show.

America Ferrera is so cute I want to bite her. So precious. I didn’t love the belt, but what are ya gonna do? She just glows so she is truly one of those girls that can wear a burlap sack and rock. Cause this dress is really not all that. It's a little ick. And when you're a little wide those gathers are not exactly flattering. But her attitude and her sweet smile are the best accessories a girl can have. She's one to watch, as she finds her self more and more...she is gonna take the world by storm. So. There. Vanessa Williams proved yet again, that seafoam green is never a good idea. Never.

How many cat toys had to die to make that dress?

Happy for Terry O’Quinn! Dude has been around since the Paleozoic and always turns in a great performance, he’s truly talented. Well done O’Quinn! Thumbs down for the Frankie Goes to Hollywood Neon Tux shirt though. Relax! It’s the Emmy’s.
( T.R. Shoulda won just for showing up everyday, never letting the work environment show even a glimmer in his performance. He’s a fucking rockstar. You plebians have no earthly idea of how talented this cat is. Acting Genius. Watch and learn kids.)

Cut to commercial…damn Jessica Simpson for making cute shoes. I loathe her….but I want those flats!

Why can’t Katherine Heigl and Kyle Chandler get married and have babies? Genetic perfection. Kyle classic and elegant and grand. Katie…just swoon. She’s like an angel. With a wicked sense of humor. And I wouldn’t want to be on her bad side. But that skin, those eyes, that hair, she’s divine. And I love, love love that she is not a bean pole. There were several white dresses on Emmy night and hers was lovely on her. The Mermaid skirt is a tough one to pull off, and she does it well.


Thomas Hayden Church is a crack head. At least button your damn shirt before you roll up and attempt Haiku. Lame. But I am still mad I had to sit through Sideways. I know you all loved it, but I didn’t drink the Kool-Aid. That movie only did one good thing. Gave us Sandra Oh.

Let’s do a little fashion shall we? Cause the friggin show was BO-RING.

Paula Abdul desperate to revive her carreer and her reputation tries to emulate Tara Reid, but even fails at that.

Kyra Sedgwick was confused, instead of a GREEN Emmy, she thought the theme was HalloWEEN Emmy.

Can't. Snark. Laughing. Too. Hard.

What is that hair? Sigh. All these pretty girls with terrible hair. (I do like her dress.)

Good to know that pregnancy hasn't gotten in the way of Christina Aguilera's Sunset Tan addiction. A girls gotta maintain herself!
How it's done:

She gets the Most Improved award. She is usually a fashion disaster. More like a fashion Tornado. But even her Big Greys Anatomy Hair is well done. Darling Sandra Oh. A+.

Did you guys ever see that hysterical Carol Burnette sketch about Scarlet O'Hara where she comes down the grand staircase in the curtain dress with the curtain rod in her shoulders? "I saw it in the windo and just had to have it!"

I bring you the updated version:

Or maybe like Mother Ginger in the Nutcracker she's got twelve naughty boys hidden under there!(and why is Elvira in the background?)

Jenna Fisher, comedic genius; fashion moron.

I bet the fabric was lovely IRL. But on camera it just looks like what I imagine Quagmire's shower curtain is made of.

What is up with this? She just had a baby a few months ago and has a rockin pre baby bod already (bitch.) so why hide it under this? It's low waisted and sloppy and she is neither! Bad choice. Sigh.

How many versions of this same damn dress has she worn? Another one I missed the train on!

How much do you guys think the Soprano's paid for that standing O? I mean come ON! It was indeed a bad ass show. And yeah, everyone I know loved it. But not anymore than anyone loved Greys' or LOST or The West Wing. Where was the West Wing's standing O when they closed? Just whatever. And you know my heart weeps that I can't find a picture of Aida Turturro's dress. Oh, my.

JamieLynn Discala/Sigler/Discala Instant Anorexic looked awesome though! Another great white dress. Great hair, she's gorg for sure. Although I thought the added ruffle at the waist could have left off. It's like accessories. Put everything on you want to wear, now take one thing off. You're ready.

Special Props to Helen Mirren and Sally Field. With hundred and twenty years between the two of them...how hot are they? How gorgeous is their skin? Forget MILF. This was the year of the GMILF. They make aging look good. Although Sally Field should really hire someone to accept awards for her. She is wild!

Perhaps, I'll have more later. Now I must nap...

What the F***!!!!

Reportedly ex Kate Moss lovebug Pete Doherty is not only a drug addicted reprobate but he's also a fucking animal abuser.

Yeah...I am a day late and a dime bag short and yeah, I snaked the pic from Queen Perez. But come on! My poor Kitty Sister or Brother. Friends don't make cats smoke crack. WTF.

You know you're washed up when...

Tommy Lee and Kid Rock are doing better than you are. And they just got in a fist fight.
It’s Minky, Bitch!


So, I’ve been away for a bit. Mums and Pops brought home this bizarre little creature called a Dog, and it’s totally messed with my world. He quickly learned that although he gets taken for walks he is really just my little bitch. And now that he grovels before me, all is right with the world. So now I have a minion. Sampson. He’s such a little wuss. I kinda like him. All I have to do is move a paw and he jumps. I am having fun with that. It’s good to be the Queen, right bitches?


So, of course I awake from my kitty slumber like Sleeping Beauty to discuss the fucking train wreck that is Britney. WTF! What do you kids think the pre show cocktail was? Was she on the Nod? Or did she just toss some xanax and valium into her frappacino? Seriously, the zombies from Shaun of the Dead were better dancers, had more life in ‘em and obviously were sexier. Now, listen kids…clearly she is genetically engineered in order to have two ‘mistakes’ in two years, do nothing but drink, eat cheetos and do crack and still have an ass like that. But I think Sunset Tan can hide a lot of flaws. It’s almost not fun to snark on her anymore. For Pete’s sake someone, anyone, you on the street…someone get this tramp some help before she totally O.D.'s, or drives her precious kids into a lake…or is impaled on a stripper pole. It’s Britney Bitch, and she needs some serious help.


Perhaps Kid Rock or Tommy Lee could beat some sense into her damn head.

Emmy’s next week. You know I’ll be there and even more snarkariffic. How Minky got her Groove Back.